My Body (HNT in text)

My body is an odd place to live.  To a certain point there is a disconnect there. Yes, I feel what it feels, I get sick and experience everything it goes through.  But it feels like it’s not my own. That I am stuck in someone else’s shell, so to speak.  That is at least the most frequent feeling.

I occasionally have days though, that are not like that. I am who I am and my gender problems slide into the background.  They come rarely, last a few days and fade away.

The moments when I’m ok with myself, make the usual state of things all the more jarring.

As I sit here at my desk and take inventory of myself.  I feel so unfeminine.  I do have the arms of a woman, slender and sleek, with only light wisps of hair.  And I was blessed with several natural features, high cheekbones, long lashes and full pouty lips. I remember dressing in “drag” one Halloween in college, I got some amazing compliments on my legs.

My ass has a wonderful curve to it for a “white guy.” I give thanks to that for the herbals I took in college and my limited time on Climera for that.  And my breasts have a touch of body to them, (not even AA) but with my chubby stomach, it looks like it’s all from being chubby.  My nipples and aereoleas are definitely a bit oversized, but again, could easily be explained away.  (Although, they are wonderfully sensitive though. See thanks above.)

The fact that everything can be explained away is actually a good thing.  It means there is little chance anyone can stumble on my “condition” and I risk custody of my kids over it.

But the rest of me is all male.  I’m not naturally a furry guy, so while there’s not much of it, I’ve still got all the hair that goes with the male places.  But even when I rid myself of all of my body hair, I still feel so unattractive, that I don’t bother anymore.  As the often quoted phrase goes, “I shaved my legs for this?”

And then there are my male bits.  Definitely unfeminine.  And I have a weirder relationship with them than the rest of me.  My mind goes back and forth and back and forth on how I feel about them.  Some days I like having them and would love to be a woman except keeping those as functional parts.  Other days, I want to be all woman and want rid of this extra meat and have a nice warm wonderful pussy. I think I would be happier their if I could change my genetailia according to my whims. (See, I don’t ask for much. ;))

This post has rambled from where I thought it was going and sort-of has become a HNT in text.  I bare my body before you in my words.

I guess when it comes down to the end, the reason this post veered is it has gone back to reminding me just how unattractive I feel.  I want to be able to go out and feel pretty.  I’m not looking for drop dead gorgeous, but pretty.  I want to be hit on,  not because I’m obviously male in female’s clothing, but because a am an attractive woman.

But it all comes down to, I can’t take that risk.  Maybe if I was in another state, where only a handful of friends knew me, I could go out dressed up.  But even then, I feel like there’s very little chance of me actually looking attractive.

My children are the most important thing in the world to me.  Period. I can’t risk losing custody to their crazy/neglectful mother.  So what little transitioning I do, I do in stealth. I don’t go out in “cross-gender” clothes, except for Halloween. And very little chance of ever feeling pretty.

I’m going to wrap this up, before I cry anymore at work.  But here I am with my soul (and body) exposed to you all. Happy HNT to you all.


9 Responses to “My Body (HNT in text)”

  1. Mina Says:

    *hugs* thats all I can offer. As any woman knows, we all feel unattractive at times. I feel unattractive when I go out with my friends. I see them get hit on all the time and me, I’m all by my lonesome. (not that it matters since I have S, but still, it’s nice to get noticed)

    • lostgirley Says:

      *hug back* I understand that even if I was able to totally transition, it wouldn’t make my body issues magically better. Part of me wants to say, if I could just have one night and be able to go out and feel pretty, that would be enough. But odds are, it would make me crave it even more. So, I guess I’m lucky in a sense that I can’t do it at all.

      I guess the other part of it is I’m quickly approaching my 30th birthday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that 30 is old. I just know as the time goes on, I know it will become harder and for me to go out and be passable.

      Honestly, as much as I said earlier about it would make me crave it. I so wish, I could have that one evening. A memory to hold onto.

      *hug again* I told Sylvanus this yesterday, and I wanted to tell you as well. Thank you both for being so sweet to me. It means so much.

  2. saintchick Says:

    This was an awesome post. I am in awe of what you have to battle each day. I have lurked here before, but never left a comment. Thank you for being able to open up and get this out.

  3. Stacy Says:

    This was not whiny, it was wonderful. Now after I catch you and spank you, I must hug you as well! *grin* Very wonderful post, thank you for being vulnerable with us.

    • lostgirley Says:

      *hug* Thank you for reading and commenting on it. I guess I shouldn’t be, but I’m still a little amazed by this post. Granted I only have a few so far, but this one has gotten the most comments of any that I’ve made.

      *runs away again* 😉

  4. Coyote Too Says:

    Sweetie. I just started reading your blog, and I need to read more. This was so tender and sad and painful. It hits me on so many levels: the friends I have who sacrifice job, personality and happiness in custody battles; my own love for my kids; another friend who *does* crossdress when he can (and he’s gorgeous in a gown 🙂 but who then battles the demons of what that does to his (straight) relationships…. I know blogging and tweeting has helped me through my own (relatively minor) troubles. I hope it helps you as well. *hugs*

  5. The Butterfly Temptress Says:

    As a woman I can tell you that we all feel unattractive at times. Your post was well written and absolutely heartfelt. I wish you ways to find yours dreams coming true, but more than that, I wish you peace and self-acceptance.

    I am adding your blog to the list on my own. I think you have a lot to say and a great voice to say it with.


  6. kyle Says:

    wish I could add my hugs to the others. I hate that who we are can be used against us that way. And it sucks that you don’t have some place safe where you can express your feminine side more, maybe get to know it better.

    Thanks for sharing, the world is a better place for your honesty

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