Archive for May, 2009

Searching for Answers or Maybe Just the Right Questions.

May 5, 2009

Transgendered, submissive, bisexual…lables are so easy to apply, not only to others, but even ourselves.

But how we think of ourselves define so much of who we are.  But I at times struggle with the definitions.  I don’t know what to think of myself.

Am I the male face that I show the people who know me in the meatspace?

Or am I this girl/woman who you know?

How can I claim submissive as my own, when the only submission I have performed is that to strangers and friends in writing and Twitter?

Although, more and more, I long for a firm yet caring hand to put me in my place.  But finding someone who accepts me as I am, yet treats me as who I feel I am, is ok with my childern and won’t throw up any red flags that would endanger their custody? Ha. I’m asking for a miracle there.  The closest I might be able to get is someone who is willing to take the task, online and from afar.  And even then, I couldn’t just put up a personal, I’d want someone I am comfortable with first.  But I have gotten sidetracked.

Meh.

I don’t who I am anymore.  And where do you find those answers?  If you don’t know yourself, no one else is going to.

How do I balance the safety of my kids against my own girlish desires?

How do I possibly find Sir or Ma’am?

 The more I stare at this, I don’t find any answers.  I don’t even feel like I’m asking the right questions.

Who am I?

What do I want?

And where the hell do I begin to answer those last two?

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I’m back.

May 4, 2009

I’ve spent the last month or so, struggling with depression and being way over worked, due to another round of layoffs.

The reasonings behind my depression, honestly, I would share, but I think with where my head is right now, I’d be better off not talking about them and reminding myself of the problems.    I think I’ve discovered something that I want, but coming out and asking for it, I don’t think is the way to approach this.  (Which is often the best approach, but not in this scenario.)  But I’m not quite sure how to approach it though.

Oh, hai!  Yes, I am cryptic girl today!  Why do you ask?

But all that said, (or not said) I am back around.  I’m going to try and get writing again soon.  I’m back on twitter.  But I probably won’t be as ubiquitious as before, just because I have so much work to do.

Good morning everyone!