Searching for Answers or Maybe Just the Right Questions.

Transgendered, submissive, bisexual…lables are so easy to apply, not only to others, but even ourselves.

But how we think of ourselves define so much of who we are.  But I at times struggle with the definitions.  I don’t know what to think of myself.

Am I the male face that I show the people who know me in the meatspace?

Or am I this girl/woman who you know?

How can I claim submissive as my own, when the only submission I have performed is that to strangers and friends in writing and Twitter?

Although, more and more, I long for a firm yet caring hand to put me in my place.  But finding someone who accepts me as I am, yet treats me as who I feel I am, is ok with my childern and won’t throw up any red flags that would endanger their custody? Ha. I’m asking for a miracle there.  The closest I might be able to get is someone who is willing to take the task, online and from afar.  And even then, I couldn’t just put up a personal, I’d want someone I am comfortable with first.  But I have gotten sidetracked.

Meh.

I don’t who I am anymore.  And where do you find those answers?  If you don’t know yourself, no one else is going to.

How do I balance the safety of my kids against my own girlish desires?

How do I possibly find Sir or Ma’am?

 The more I stare at this, I don’t find any answers.  I don’t even feel like I’m asking the right questions.

Who am I?

What do I want?

And where the hell do I begin to answer those last two?

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3 Responses to “Searching for Answers or Maybe Just the Right Questions.”

  1. mina Says:

    “How can I claim submissive as my own, when the only submission I have performed is that to strangers and friends in writing and Twitter?” well, the important thing to remember is that you have to start from somewhere. People don’t always become aware of their desires through experience, but often through something they read or watch. My “submission” started through writing. I didn’t just stumble on a Dominant one day and he did all these things to me and I realized I was submissive. It was a desire I became aware of the more I wrote, watched and talked to people. But most of all, it was a desire that grew within me as days passed and thoughts entered and exited my mind.

    It is possible to find someone whom you can trust that would keep your life protected, but you must always be cautious with those you allow to enter your life. There are some seriously messed up people out there.

    It is true that only you can find the answer to the questions you have. But there is nothing wrong with not knowing the answers right now. Life is always changing. Even I find I am changing who I am on a daily basis.

    Finding a Sir or Mistress can be difficult. Have you thought of maybe joining Fetlife.com? In the least, you can be surrounded by like minded people and it may help you find some of the answers you are looking for.

    Be well my friend. I am here whenever you need me, *hugs*

  2. mina Says:

    oh and for the record… I still don’t know “what the fuck I want”. Mistress Kyra asked me days ago to write her about what I want from her and where I would like things to go… I have no idea. I have sat here for days looking at a blinking cursor.

  3. kyle Says:

    Yeah, I’d like to say ‘ditto’ for much of what Mina said. I don’t have a complete picture of what I want and I’m a switch so the picture can be very muddy sometimes. I am ok with the process of becoming, though, and that’s how you can look at it. It’s a process, not an end point. And that may mean that you get a glimpse of something that seems like an endpoint, but might just be a bend in the road that you can’t see beyond until you get there.

    I agree with Mina in that there are people out there, but caution is necessary. Fetlife is another place to explore and learn, and keep a safe distance until you feel like moving forward. Look at what groups are in your area, read the comment threads for a while and get a feel for what kind of people they are.

    Keep asking the questions, keep exploring possible answers and keep asking the universe to assist. I hope you are pleasantly surprised by the results.

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