Just a girl in the world…

“Tears on the sleeve of a man
Don’t wanna be a boy today…” – Tori Amos

Wow, it’s been over a month since I’ve blogged.

My patches ran out and that did quite the number on my head.  I went from changing and excited and feeling more and more like a girl, to this soul of a girl, stuck in this ungraceful, clumsy and very decidedly male body.

I kept up my day-to-day functioning, but I’ve felt like I am crying inside…and on the outside when I find the chance alone.  I cannot transform into who I am, I know that.  But that little ray of hope, the shifts in my body and my perception, that I was changing, however discreetly, was so wonderful.

And the loss of that reminded me, that there is no short-term fix.  At least another 11 years of this to keep up custody.  (Not that I would ever give up custody for these changes.)  Nowhere near light at the end of the tunnel.

And I think about my ex and what she had.  A life that was not ideal, but I would have gladly traded her for in a second if I could.  Being a stay at home mom, with a good provider and a loving husband, taking care of her children and her home and husband, she threw it all away, neglected her children and cheated on her spouse.  That is something I would sacrifice so much to have, but life didn’t deal me those cards.  And she, well, she’s seen her children 3 hours since Dec 31, 2008.  No phone calls to them.  No e-mails to them.  If I could trade bodies with her, I would find a way back here and work my ass off to somehow get those kids back and again, maybe not the ideal life, but even being a working mom and having my kids home and grabbing even a little bit of a social life, as a girl that even seems better.

But the boy takes over, since the girl feels herself being crushed.  I don’t go near twitter.  I don’t check e-mail.  I don’t respond to the texts from friends.  And then yesterday, Jenni had said she had enough.  Hormones or no hormones, I’m still a girl in here and hiding her just makes things worse.

So, I’m back, for now.  I wish I had an anchor to keep me from pulling this disappearing/reappearing act.  But I feel like I go and no one notices. 

And I wish I had something to hold onto me/Jenni with.   So if/when I get back on hormones and if/when they run out again, I wouldn’t be allowed to hide the pieces of me that only ya’ll see.

I don’t know.  Maybe I should just let Jenni/me get pushed down until she is crushed, so I don’t feel all this and ride this roller coaster anymore.  That doesn’t seem like a very good option though.

I know all of this is ugly and I guess I don’t expect much reply to it.  But anyone who got this far down, thank you for reading it.  

The odd thing is, just posting this and I can feel my “phantom breasts” again.

To paraphrase the song in the title…

I’m just not a girl in the world
That’s something they won’t let me be…


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